Imitation of Life

        by Armida (armida19@hotmail.com)

        Rating: PG

        Fandom: Shanghai Noon, Chon Wang/Roy O'Bannon

        Feedback: armida19@hotmail.com

        Archive: Yes.

        Summary: For sockii's "Predict the Future" challenge.

        Warnings: Character death

        Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.

        Notes: The idea for this came from two separate conversations I had with my grandmother and with her sister, my great-aunt, both of whom I'm sure would never approve of this sort of thing ;-)



        The boy's voice drifted through the parlor window to where I sat on the porch. "Mom, Grandma told me that Great-Grandpa was a real cowboy. Is that true?"

        "Yes, sweetie, it's true," I heard my granddaughter Emma reply. "Come look, here is a photograph of him back then. He was a lawman."

        I knew very well the photograph Emma was showing to her son. In my mind's eye, I saw Chon and myself as newly minted lawmen, fidgeting and grinning in front of our office while the photographer begged us to stay still and quiet. The picture had sat in a drawer in my room for many years before Emma had discovered it and had it framed. She'd thought she was doing me a favor.

        "A lawman! Did he ride horses and catch bandits, just like Tom Mix?"

        "He sure did. Why don't you ask him about it yourself when he wakes up?"

        "I will. Who is that man with him in the picture?"

        "That was his partner. They had many adventures together."

        "How come I never met him?"

        "Shh, Great-Grandpa is sleeping. You never met him because he died many years ago. Now come along, let's see what your grandmother is baking for us." Their voices faded as they headed for the kitchen.

        I sat motionless as memories overwhelmed me. Over fifty years he's been gone now, and sometimes the pain is still as fresh as it was that last day. Fifty years I've lived without him. I've outlived just about everyone -- Chon, Pei Pei, two of my own four children, and even one of my grandchildren. Only Falling Leaves, my wife, remains to remind me of the life I'd once had and the man I'd once been.

        The good citizens of Carson City would never have believed my colorful past. They see me as one of the city's elders, a respectable founding father. If they only knew. My body may be old and weak now, but my heart and my mind are still young and still remember the part of my life that died long ago on a cold Nevada morning.

        I've had a life many men would envy, and it's been a contented life in many ways, but it has been a pale shadow of the life I once thought I could have. Since the day I held Chon's lifeless body in my arms, I've not really been living but just marking time on this earth. I sometimes think that my longevity is some kind of a cruel joke; it's like Fate is daring me to see how many years I can live without Chon by my side.

        I wonder if my great grandson will ask me about the picture. I wonder what I'll tell him. I know it won't be the words I want to say: "Yes I was young once. I was a cowboy, and an outlaw, and I loved a man . . ."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        When we met, I was young and foolish and cocky, playing at being an outlaw. I'd like to say that it was love at first sight, but it wasn't anything like that. Only later, when we were in that jail cell together did everything start to change. He was supposed to be nothing to me -- an easy mark to scam for his gold. I would pretend to be his friend, and pretend to help him, while all the time I would really be helping myself to the money.

        That's not the way it turned out. It was damn crazy. Somehow, the pretending became real, more real than anything I'd ever known. Before I knew it, I was doing things I never thought I'd do, insane things, like rescuing a princess, handing out the gold -- *my* gold -- to the Chinese workers, and becoming a lawman. Why I did these things, and why they no longer seemed crazy, was because of him.

        We had nothing in common, really, but something inside him spoke to me. We became partners, and once the dust had settled, I expected that we'd stay that way.

        I didn't expect to love him.

        After rescuing Pei Pei from the mission, everything had happened quickly. I'd kissed Falling Leaves and somehow that kiss became a promise. Chon's Indian marriage to Falling Leaves was dissolved, and he was with Pei Pei. A happy ending all around, right? It seemed like everything had turned out the way that it was meant to be. Then why wasn't I happy?

        Falling Leaves was good for me, and I cared about her. She was beautiful, exciting, and passionate. She was everything I'd ever thought I wanted, only now that I had her I found out that she wasn't what I wanted at all. I wanted him.

        He was unlike anyone I'd ever met -- stubborn and complicated -- but I ached for him. That was the funny part. Me, Roy O'Bannon, the man who didn't need anyone, and there I was, a lovesick fool over a man who'd brought me nothing but trouble. By the time I'd figured this all out, I was too late, but I couldn't accept that.

        And so just like everything else in my life I'd ever wanted before, I went after him. I knew he had to feel the same way about me. He never said it directly, but every day a hundred things would tell me he did.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        When I'd made my living robbing trains, I'd always spend days planning and calculating every job to the last detail. I went about my conquest of Chon in this same way. And, just like in my outlaw days, my careful planning all went out the window at the eleventh hour. One Thursday morning, we were in our office alone, pretty much like any other morning. He had his hand on my shoulder, teasing me about the shirt I wore. Suddenly, his nearness was overwhelming, and I couldn't wait any longer.

        Before I could think twice, I caught him around the waist and pulled him against me. His eyes widened, and for a moment he leaned into me. He felt wonderful against me, perfect, the way I always knew he would. Just before our lips met, he turned away.

        "No," he said. He gently set me away from him.

        I couldn't believe it. "Why?" I asked. "We both want this."

        "That does not make it right. I am bound by honor to Pei Pei. We are to be married."

        "You were bound to Falling Leaves once, too. How is that any different?"

        "It is different because this is of our own choosing."

        "But that was before . . ." I trailed off. What could I say? //That was before I realized I wanted you for myself?// I started again. "I'm not just talking about sex, here. I love you, Chon. Doesn't that matter?"

        His eyes were full of tenderness and regret. "Yes, very much. But it does not change things."

        "So I'm just supposed to forget all about this and spend the rest of my life pretending I don't feel this way? I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. I'm not noble like you."

        "Roy, listen to me. This time, this place, it is not right for us. I am with Pei Pei."

        "But you don't love her!"

        "I have loved her for many years."

        Frustrated, I paced the room. "You're saying that you don't love me? Fine. Tell me then. Say it to my face, and I'll leave you alone."

        "You know I cannot say that."

        "Then why?" I grasped his shoulders. "You're saying that your duty and honor mean more to you than I do."

        "Someday, you will understand."

        "The hell with someday!" I pulled him to me again, but just then the door to our office burst open and we sprang apart.

        The Helton gang had arrived in town.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        We'd been receiving reports from the telegraph office about a gang of bank robbers that had been working the southwest. I hadn't thought they'd be bold enough to come to a city as large as Carson City. I was wrong.

        By the time we'd arrived at the bank, they had opened the safe, bagged the money and were on their way out of town.

        We took off after them recklessly, guns blazing. Two of their men fell, and we had almost caught up with them when it happened.

        I heard the shot, I saw him fall. I vaulted off my horse and ran to him. His blood was everywhere; it stained my hands as I tried desperately to staunch the flow. Curious onlookers had started to creep out of the storefronts.

        "Get the doctor!" I yelled in their general direction. "Now, damnit!" I gathered him in my arms. "Chon." My throat closed up. I had no words.

        He looked up at me and smiled, but his once brilliant dark eyes were now dulled by pain. "Roy," he breathed.

        This couldn't be happening. Chon couldn't die, couldn't leave me -- but I *knew*, and the look we shared held the knowledge that these were our final moments together. I felt my eyes fill with tears I willed not to fall. The reality of his impending death felt like a raw, gaping hole being torn out of my chest.

        "God, no, this is my fault -- Chon --"

        "Roy, no," he said quietly. The blood was everywhere -- it wouldn't stop! I could feel the strength leave him.

        I drew him close to me, trying to infuse my warmth into him. He leaned into me, curling his head against my shoulder. This was a cruel parody of the embrace that I'd longed for between us. And then, to my shame, I couldn't stop the tears that began to fall, tears that rolled down my face to splash into his hair. I selfishly cried for the loss I was about to experience, but even more I cried for what we'd never been able to share and now never would.

        "No . . . no. Don't leave," was all I could say, over and over. "It's not fair." I was shattering inside.

        "Do not mourn. Live your life. This is not the end for us."

        I let him speak, not truly understanding at the time what he was trying to tell me. I held him closer to me.

        "Don't worry, Chon old buddy. You'll be OK, " I babbled. "The doctor is on his way. Where the hell is the doctor?" I screamed to the horrified onlookers who were hovering at a distance. I looked back down at him. "Hang on, Chon, stay with me."

        "You have to know. I love you," he said, but the words I'd longed to hear were bitter to my ears because they were a goodbye.

        "God, Chon, I love you, too. You know that."

        "I know."

        "This isn't fair," I said again. "We never had a chance."

        "Someday we will. This is not over, Roy. I promise."

        I would have agreed to anything he'd said just then. "Yes, Chon."

        "You do not believe me now, but you will."

        His words caused a shiver up my spine, but I was too full of anger and sorrow for my thoughts to linger on them. I kissed his forehead and he closed his eyes. His left hand held onto my arm.

        "Please stay with me Chon," I begged. His skin was cold against me.

        "I cannot. I need you to be strong. Take care of Pei Pei. I will see you again, Roy. I'll wait for you."

        I was ashamed of my weakness, and vowed to be done with tears. "I love you," I whispered again as I held him. And then he was gone.

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        For the next two years, I tracked the remaining members of the Helton gang. One by one, I saw them all brought to justice. When it was over, I had nothing left. I was empty.

        I had thought that I couldn't live after Chon died, that I would be unable to exist in world without him. I was wrong, though; I'd survived. Falling Leaves had made me survive. She wouldn't let me crawl away and die. In time, we married. I knew it wasn't fair to her, but it seemed she could accept being married to a man who believed his heart was dead. It turned out that she saved me from myself. I grew to love her, and our children, and I tried to honor Chon's wishes by not spending my life mourning him.

        The years passed; I grew old along with her, and our ever increasing brood of grandchildren and, eventually, great grandchildren. The pain of his loss never truly left me, but in time became bearable. His memory was always with me, though, and a day didn't go by that I didn't long for him.

        Time catches up with us all, eventually. My eightieth birthday came and went. I would look in the mirror and wonder who was the old man I saw looking back at me. I could feel my own mortality as my body began to fail me. The words that Chon had spoken on that long ago day now began to haunt me.

        He first came to me a few weeks ago, on a day very much like today. I sat in my usual chair on the porch of our house, taking advantage of the clear April weather, watching my great-grandson playing in the grass below me. I closed my eyes and raised my face towards the late afternoon sun. The winter had been endless; I had been cold for so long. Eventually, though, I reluctantly lowered my head and opened my eyes. Sun-spots danced in my eyes, and it was then that I saw him, leaning against the oak tree, smiling at me. He was just as I remembered him; the breeze ruffled his gleaming dark hair. His arms were folded across his chest, and his eyes glinted with mischief. He was a vision that I'd been carrying in my heart for years, now made real. Sharp, sweet fingers of joy clawed at my heart, and I grasped the arms of my chair, struggling to rise. My voice came out in a hoarse croak. "Chon."

        He held up a hand to still me, and his mouth formed a single word: "Soon." The wind came up, stirring the leaves on the trees, and I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. For an endless moment, our eyes met; I couldn't speak, yet I tried to convey my love and longing to him in my eyes. He nodded almost imperceptibly, and then he was gone. I fell back, gasping, against the chair, yet I smiled, and my heart felt lighter than it had in years. Just as he'd promised, he'd come back to me. I laughed out loud from the sheer joy of it all. With the innocence of a child, my great-grandson looked up at me and joined in my laughter. I laughed until tears rolled out of my eyes and I was breathless. Maybe I was finally going crazy, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it had been Chon that I'd seen, and that he had been right, our love was stronger than death.

        Since then, I've seen him three more times. The most recent was this morning, when I awoke to find him sitting on the edge of my bed. At first, I thought I was dreaming; I rubbed a hand over my eyes and blinked in the dimness of the early morning light. Then, my heart lurched and I stretched out a hand towards him, calling his name. I ached to touch him, to feel his hand on mine again after so many years. He remained motionless, but smiled again, a slow, sweet smile that spread a blossoming warmth throughout me. His dark eyes glowed with love and promise in the grey dawn light. I heard his voice again, in my head. "Soon."

        "Yes," I said to him. "Yes."

        Then his form grew blurry and indistinct, and I at first thought it was from the tears clouding my vision. As he slowly faded from view, I whispered. "Chon, stay."

        But he was gone, and his voice echoed in my head. "Soon."

        My stirrings had awakened my wife, for when I lay back against the pillows I saw her watching me with sad, understanding eyes. I realized that she must have heard me call his name.

        "Falling Leaves," I began, wanting to explain, but she put her hand on my arm to quiet me.

        "Roy, hush. I love you, and I know you love me in your way. We've had a good life together, and you've never made me feel second best. I don't resent what you have with him."

        I had thought that the greatest injustice in my life was losing Chon, but I now knew that it was what I'd done to Falling Leaves in marrying her when my heart wasn't free. "I'm sorry that I couldn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. You've been my dear friend and companion for fifty years now, the mother of my children. I wanted to give you so much more."

        "I know that." She smiled gently. "And I wouldn't change a minute of our lives together. Don't feel sorry for me. I had you in this life, now I give you your freedom to have him in the next, because you have always belonged to him."

        I couldn't speak. I lay there, feeling tears running from the corners of my eyes for the first time in years. She kissed my forehead gently. As if from a distance, I heard her rise, and move into the other room to dress.

        I did love her. I had tried to be a good husband to her. It was my fault that only Chon could fill the emptiness inside me.

        Chon. I whispered his name like a promise.

        We never kissed, we never made love, but we were lovers all the same. Now, my time on this earth is ending, I can feel my hold on this world loosening. I don't know what lies beyond death, but this I do know: he is there, waiting for me.

        (end)



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