Longing
Feedback: Yes, please, at armida19@hotmail.com
Archive: Yes.
Summary: A sequel to "Following." After the princess has been rescued and
the celebrations are over, Chon and Pei Pei discuss the future.
Warnings: Angst!
Disclaimer: All things Shanghai Noon belong to Spyglass Entertainment and
Touchstone Pictures. This is for entertainment purposes only and no
infringement is intended.
Notes: I hadn't planned on writing a sequel, but here it is. Thanks to
everyone who wrote to me after "Following," this is for you.
Longing
A sequel to "Following"
By Armida
The hour was late, and the festivities at the railroad camp were quieting
down. Chon sat by himself, half concealed by shadows on the edge of the
camp. He was bone tired, but feared that sleep would elude him tonight. He
knew he should be feeling many things, but he felt nothing other than the
dull throb of his various physical injuries. Chon welcomed the pervasive
numbness, the absence of emotion. If he allowed himself to feel anything,
he feared he would be consumed by the rending ache that had accompanied the
sight of Roy kissing Falling Leaves earlier this evening. Kissing her, and
then leaving the celebration hand in hand with her, all the while
determinedly avoiding meeting Chon's eyes.
Last night, he and Roy had become lovers. They had come together with a
passion tinged with desperation that was unlike anything Chon had ever
experienced before. In the darkness Chon had mapped Roy's body by touch and
taste, learning every inch of him. If it was to be the only night they had
together, Chon hadn't wanted to waste a second of their time with sleep.
Yet as the night ebbed, sleep had finally claimed him. When Chon had
awakened in the gray light of dawn, Roy had greeted him with a determined
coolness that, while not completely unexpected, had chilled him to the
marrow. The bottom had dropped out of Chon's world so quickly it had almost
given him vertigo. He felt anger and disappointment, love and longing, but
most of all a gut-wrenching sadness.
He hadn't had time to feel these things, he had reminded himself. They'd
had to focus on the task at hand, recovering the princess. Chon would not
allow himself to wallow in self-pity. His years of training and discipline
had taken over, allowing him to purge himself of distracting emotions.
As they rode together to the mission, Chon and Roy had seemed to come to a
wordless understanding that they would not speak of the night before. The
rhythm of their friendship could be reestablished, and if it was only a
hollow shell of what they'd had before, Chon thought could accept that for
the moment.
And then they were at the mission, confronting Lo Fong and VanCleef, and
there was no more time to think.
Later, Chon had almost convinced himself that it would be enough for now to
have Roy's friendship. They had cheated death in the mission, and it had
bonded them even closer together. He'd thought that he'd be able to wait
patiently, stoically for Roy to come to him on his own terms. Seeing Roy
with Falling Leaves made him realize how foolishly overconfident he'd been.
He could wait, yes, but it would not be easy.
That had been over an hour ago, and that was why Chon now sat alone,
wrapping himself in a cloak of dispassion. He knew that Roy was not trying
to hurt him; he rather suspected that the younger man was coping with the
events of the last 24 hours the only way he knew how. Unfortunately, that
knowledge did little to ease Chon's misery. It was better to feel nothing
at all.
He felt a light touch on his shoulder and looked up to see the princess
standing next to him, smiling gently. In the dying firelight, she was
radiantly lovely. As Chon mustered an answering smile, he mused that once
he had believed himself to be in love with Princess Pei Pei. In his former
life as an Imperial Guard, she had been an idealized vision of beauty and
perfection in his severe, ordered life. From afar, he had worshipped her.
Those feelings were pale and bloodless compared to the firestorm of emotions
that made up his love for Roy.
"Chon Wang, may I speak with you?" the princess asked quietly in Mandarin.
"Of course, your highness. Please, sit," he replied, indicating a crate
next to his.
She remained standing. "I would prefer if we could speak in my tent."
"Princess Pei Pei, that would not be proper."
She laughed softly. "Please. You must call me Pei Pei now. I am no longer
a princess. And while I appreciate your concern, after being Lo Fong's
unwilling guest here for the last several weeks, I think my reputation is
unlikely to suffer further damage." Her voice was light, but Chon was
beginning to realize the extent of the ordeal she had suffered. Yet, she
had emerged a stronger person, full of resolve. The princess was a woman of
rare courage, and he admired her for it.
"Yes, of course," he replied. He stood, and as she had earlier in the
evening, she reached for his hand and clasped it gently. Her touch was warm
and reassuring, and he realized that he did still love her, only not in the
manner he'd thought before. As he followed her through the now-empty camp,
he remembered the day that she was born. He had been young then, barely 18,
new to the Forbidden City. Even though she had not been the hoped-for son,
her birth had been cause for celebration. Over the years, their paths had
crossed infrequently, yet he felt as if he'd watched her grow up, from a
mischievous, laughing child to the solemn and reserved young woman she had
become. Now, he was seeing another side of her--a warm, human side. It
would be difficult to overcome his years of training and service to be able
to speak freely with her, to treat her as a person and not a princess.
They reached her tent and he followed her inside. She lit the lamp and
motioned for him to sit next to her on the bed. He did so, leaving a
respectful distance between them.
"Chon Wang, I wish to thank you again for saving my life today," she began
formally, still speaking their native language. "I owe you a debt of
gratitude."
Chon bowed his head slightly. "You are most welcome, my lady. However, you
owe me no debt. I only did what was right, and in doing so, we both have
been set free."
"What you say is true. We *are* both now free, to pursue our true
destinies. And mine is here, with these people. Never before have I felt
such a sense of purpose. I feel as if I have come to life for the first
time. I was born this morning in that mission." Her eyes glowed and her
voice brimmed with enthusiasm. Chon couldn't help but be affected by it,
and smiled back at her.
"What will you do now?" he asked.
"So many things. I hardly know where to begin. The living and working
conditions at this camp must be improved. I wish to start a school for the
children here. For both the boys *and* the girls. They will learn English,
learn about this new land, but also our own traditions and history. I want
us to be a part of the community of Carson City, to be full and equal
citizens. I know that there is talk of appointing your friend, Mr.
O'Bannon, sheriff, with you as his deputy."
At the unexpected mention of Roy's name, Chon felt a swift stab of pain
lance through his carefully constructed shield. He struggled to keep his
face impassive and voice even as he replied. "Yes, this is true."
"Have you considered the good you could do in such a position in the
community? If you would agree to help me in this I know that together we
could accomplish much."
"Of course I will help you, my lady."
"Please, Wang, you must call me Pei Pei."
"Pei Pei," he said, and she smiled brilliantly in return. He was filled
with admiration for her, for the woman she was and not his former idealized
image. He was beginning to come to know her as a person. She was not an
icon, but a flesh and blood woman of vision and inner beauty.
She took his hand in both of hers. "Chon Wang, destiny has brought you to
me. You have changed my life, and now together we will be able to change
the lives of our people here in America."
"I have done nothing. You are the one who will make the difference. You
inspire our people."
"But together, we could do so much more." She paused, and Chon thought she
looked almost nervous. "We could be married," she said suddenly, and then
looked away shyly.
Whatever he'd been expecting her to say, it was not *this.* "Princess--" he
began.
"Please listen. We would be companions in life and our work. We do not
know each other well, this is true, but that would come with time. I know
we would grow to care for one another. The important thing would be the
good we could do together. Even Mr. O'Bannon suggested our marriage today."
That memory brought another unwelcome reminder of Roy. Chon was at a loss.
The events of the last few days had been overwhelming. His bittersweet
night with Roy seemed years in the past after this endless, difficult day.
And now, the Princess Royal of China was proposing marriage to him. It was
simply too much for him to take in. Once, marriage to the princess would
have been his secret heart's desire. Now, the thought only filled him with
emptiness.
"You honor me, Pei Pei," he began carefully. "But you deserve so much more,
someone who will truly love you. My love for you is a father's love, the
affection of someone who has known and served you all your life."
"People marry for many reasons. Love rarely enters into it, as I well know.
Surely this is a worthy reason."
"You mustn't forget, I am already married."
"Ah yes. To that interesting young lady, Falling Leaves. She is a very
astute young woman. As you helped me follow my destiny, you also helped
her. In choosing you, you gave her what she most wanted, her freedom. She
acted without malice towards you, but you were the means to an end for her."
//Just like I would be the means to an end for you as well, noble as your
cause may be//, Chon thought to himself. The princess was right to an
extent about Falling Leaves, but his relationship with her was more
complicated than that. Certainly, he felt no anger towards her. Falling
Leaves may have used him, but he had allowed himself to be used. She had
helped him in many ways, saving both his life and Roy's, and if she did love
Roy, he could not begrudge her that. It was a feeling he certainly
understood. That didn't make it any less difficult, however.
"Even if you *were* free, though, I sense the answer would still be no," the
princess continued.
Chon felt suddenly cold, dreading her next words. Surely, she could not
know--
"It's him, isn't it? Mr. O'Bannon," she said, and his heart sank. Her
voice was kind and understanding, but Chon didn't want her kindness and
understanding right now. He wanted to be alone, to have some peace. He did
not want to probe the open wound that was his feelings for Roy.
Yet, Chon refused to be shamed by what he felt. He met her gaze evenly.
"Yes," he replied. He braced himself for her censure, but instead she
squeezed his hand again and her dark eyes were filled with compassion.
"You are not shocked by this?" Chon asked, surprised.
"No. Once, I might have been. I have learned not to turn one's back on
love just because it does not fit with someone else's description of what it
should be. I was raised with every luxury in life *except* knowing that I
was loved. I was an ornament, a commodity to be sold in marriage by my
family. I have learned that love has many faces. When freely given and
accepted, it is the rarest and most precious of gifts and should not be
denied for reasons of convention."
"And yet, you would marry without love."
Refusing to be sidetracked, the princess waved her hand dismissively. "That
is different. Does your Mr. O'Bannon know that you love him?"
"He knows," Chon answered uncomfortably, finding it hard to comprehend that
he was discussing his romantic feelings for another man with the princess.
It was yet another indication of the many strange turns his life had taken
over the last weeks that he could even speak of this with her.
"And yet, he left tonight with Falling Leaves."
Chon flinched. Her words cut through his defenses and left his emotions raw
and bleeding. He desperately tried to think of a way he could leave without
offending the princess. "It is hard for him," is all he could manage to
say.
"A man such as he, you realize he may never be able to freely return what
you offer. I hope he is worthy of you."
Chon bristled at her well-meaning criticism of Roy. He did not want to
think about Roy, and he did not want to talk about Roy. More specifically,
he did not want to talk about Roy with the princess. He knew that she was
sincerely concerned about him, but that didn't make it any easier to bear.
He was so deeply tired and heartsick, he just wanted this day to end. "You
underestimate him. You do not know him as I do. He is brave and true, and
do not forget that he, too, risked himself to save you. He is a fine and
honorable man."
"He is lucky to have your devotion. I hope he realizes his good fortune,"
she said a touch wistfully.
Chon could listen no longer. "Forgive me, my lady. It is very late and I
must leave you now." He gently disengaged his hand from hers.
"Where will you go?"
"I will find a place to sleep, with Guen Yi and the other guards."
"Please stay here," she urged. "Chen Mai will not return tonight," she
said, referring to the elderly woman who had discovered her identity. "You
can sleep in her bed." She indicated the empty cot at the far side of the
tent.
"Pei Pei," he began, "it would not be--"
She held up a hand to silence him. "Not another word about my reputation,"
she grinned, looking very much like the child he had glimpsed on occasion in
the Forbidden City many years ago.
"All right," he agreed, too tired to argue further with her, and too
distracted to think clearly anymore. In truth, he doubted he had the
strength to walk to the tent the former Imperial Guards had settled in.
The princess stood, and he rose with her, wincing slightly. "Sleep well,
Chon Wang," she said, leaning in to brush his cheek with a kiss.
"And you, my lady," he replied, before turning and crossing to the other
bed. He turned back to see her drawing the curtain that separated their
beds.
"To protect your modesty," she teased.
Chon sank down onto the canvas camp bed, too tired to even remove his boots.
His entire body felt like one enormous bruise. He was fairly certain that
he'd cracked one of his ribs when he'd fallen from the scaffolding in the
mission today. He welcomed the distraction of his various injuries, for
physical pain was something familiar, something he could control through his
years of discipline. He eased himself back and pulled a blanket over
himself.
Alone with his thoughts at last, memories of last night flooded his mind.
Chon had felt transformed by the passion that they'd shared in the darkness
of that solitary cabin and could not have imagined that Roy would not feel
the same way. He longed for Roy's touch, recalling the feel of his skin
against him, his scent, and his taste. Resolutely he pushed such thoughts
aside. Tonight, he vowed, he wouldn't think about Roy. //You knew it would
be like this, yet you did it anyway//. Who would have thought that his
greatest happiness would also bring his greatest despair? Yet he didn't
regret loving Roy, he couldn't regret it.
Tonight, he would try to sleep and then tomorrow he would be able to face
Roy on his terms. He would be his friend, his deputy, whatever Roy needed
him to be. As he stared blindly at the canvas roof of the tent, he almost
convinced himself that this would be possible.
Outside, several hundred feet away, a lone figure stood silently. As the
light inside the princess's tent was extinguished, Roy O'Bannon turned and
walked slowly away into the darkness.
back...