Midnight

        by Armida (armida19@hotmail.com)

        Rating: PG-13 for m/m interaction & some bad language

        Fandom: Shanghai Noon, Chon Wang/Roy O'Bannon

        Feedback: Always welcome at armida19@hotmail.com

        Archive: Yes.

        Summary: The sequel to "Roy's Epiphany," fourth in the "Following" series. Roy must make a decision.

        Warnings: You'd be surprised if I didn't include an angst warning, right?

        Disclaimer: All things Shanghai Noon belong to Spyglass Entertainment and Touchstone Pictures. This is for entertainment purposes only and no infringement is intended.

        Notes: This takes place about four months after "Roy's Epiphany." I made up the name of Roy's horse; it just seemed to fit. Also, the Carson City I describe bears only incidental resemblance to the real Carson City of the 1870's.



        San Francisco.

        Two days ago, Chon had sat in that very chair on the other side of Roy's desk and told him he was going to San Francisco. Not for a visit, not for a vacation, but permanently. With the work on the V&T railroad line coming to a close, Princess Pei Pei had decided San Francisco would be the place to relocate their crusade to better the lives of Chinese people, or something like that. Roy hadn't much listened to anything Chon had said after that as he'd tried to assimilate the knowledge that Chon was leaving.

        Roy's mind had been reeling. For one of the first times in his life, he had been speechless. Chon had looked at him with a question in his eyes, one that they both knew Roy was not prepared to answer.

        "Do you have anything to say, Roy?" Chon had asked after a lengthy and uncomfortable silence.

        Recovering himself, Roy had stood hastily. Walking to the other side of the desk, he had shaken Chon's hand and said with false heartiness, "Good luck to you, Chon. You've been a great partner and will be hard to replace."

        Roy cringed inwardly at his tone and choice of words. //'Hard to replace?'// A brief flicker of emotion had crossed Chon's face before he smiled mechanically, turned and left the office.

        "Shit!" Roy swore aloud as he sat in his empty office two days later, recalling that afternoon. He poured himself another whiskey. It was a little early in the day to be drinking, even for him, but God how he needed it.

        Nothing had been right between them for months now. They worked together, side by side as partners, but it was an uneasy partnership at best. Things would be going fine for a while, and then their eyes would meet, or hands brush accidentally, and everything would come crashing down again. They never spoke of what had happened between them the night before they had rescued Princess Pei Pei. Just because Roy never mentioned it didn't mean that it wasn't on his mind. It was. Constantly. His memories haunted him and kept him awake countless nights.

        Roy thought back and wondered again what had come over him that night. Maybe it had been their uncertain future, or the magic of the two of them riding away together under an endless, midnight sky. Roy had tried to believe that it had been an aberration, that once done he could forget about it, but he knew that he could never forget. He yearned for Chon, a deep aching so constant that he'd thought by now he'd have grown accustomed to it. He hadn't. Each day he denied himself, those feelings only intensified.

        What was more surprising to Roy was that even more than physical aspects of their relationship, he missed their friendship and Chon's companionship. He missed the easy camaraderie between them. For the first time he allowed himself to put a name to what he'd known in his heart all along. He was in love with Chon.

        There.

        He'd admitted it, if only to himself.

        He loved Chon. Who'd have thought that he, Roy O'Bannon, could come to care for another person so deeply? He'd always prided himself on avoiding emotional attachments. "I'm like a wild horse, you can't tame me," he'd told Falling Leaves. Sure, at the time he was being a little dramatic, but there was truth in his words. Life was easier that way. His whole life he'd had a restless wanderlust that had taken him from his home in Philadelphia to the West when he was barely out of childhood. He'd always felt lost, never belonging anywhere, until he'd met Chon. That was the great irony--finding a place for himself with someone he couldn't have.

        Roy knew that love wasn't enough. The kind of magic they'd shared that night couldn't last, wouldn't hold up in the cold light of day. The issue wasn't if he loved Chon. The issue was that they lived in the real world, where there was no place for the reckless passion of two men.

        He had been with men before--furtive, empty encounters on the trail when loneliness had overcome good sense. Yet Roy had never made love with a man before that night in the cabin with Chon. The experience was beyond compare. Loving another man, loving *Chon* -- Roy knew that would irrevocably change him. He wasn't sure he was willing to accept that change.

        Roy didn't consider himself to be a brave man. His whole life, he had taken the easiest path. It didn't take courage to jump aboard a speeding train to rob it; it took a careless disregard for your own life. He didn't have the kind of courage it took to be with Chon, and he knew it. He wasn't hurting Chon on purpose. Roy knew this was just the way things had to be. Surely, Chon could see that as well.

        //When did my life become so damn complicated?// Roy wondered for the hundredth time. //Things used to be so easy, just me and my gang, riding out on some easy jobs--a train or a stagecoach--and then back to the cat house. That was the life. I was happy then. Until *he* came.// Roy tried to work up some self-righteous anger towards Chon, but knew that he was just fooling himself. He hadn't been happy. His life hadn't been ideal and wonderful. It had been empty and directionless. And lonely. As sheriff, he should have had it all -- a well paying job including a house on the edge of town; work that he actually enjoyed, at least some of the time; respectability, friends. Any man would be satisfied with what he had, but he wasn't. Roy discovered he was more restless than ever.

        Now Chon was leaving, and Roy knew it was because of him. He knew that Chon was not in love with Princess Pei Pei; it hadn't taken long for Roy to figure that one out. That and the fact that he had point blank asked Chon about the night Roy had seen them together. Chon had reacted with the typical snit about Roy daring to refer to the princess in such a fashion. Then, he had added quietly, "You know I could not be with another." The heat behind those words had made Roy burn anew. He had quickly turned away.

        Roy tried again to get angry. What did Chon want from him? Why couldn't they go back to the way things were? Even as he asked himself that, he knew that they could never go back. Every day he was reminded why, in hundreds of ways.

        He never visited Goldie's anymore. There wasn't any point, really; it just led to more humiliation. Falling Leaves had long since left for parts unknown, leaving him with one of her maddeningly knowing smiles. And then there was the sweet torture of being with Chon every day. Roy would find himself mesmerized by the graceful way he moved, by the strong, compact lines of his body. Sometimes, he would feel Chon's eyes on him when he thought Roy wasn't looking, and it was slowly driving him crazy. He would even have to abruptly leave the room at times to escape the temptation of Chon's presence and his own aching need.

        //I can't do this! We can't be anything more than what we are now. What kind of life would that be? Always hiding what we felt, worried about people finding out. I am not like that! That's no kind of life. It's too hard, and I just can't do it. It's better that he leaves.//

        The door opened and Roy looked up wearily, wondering what non-crisis he was going to have to attend to now. Another fight at the saloon? Cows loose on Main Street? To his surprise, Princess Pei Pei stepped across the threshold and entered the office. She had taken to wearing Western clothing of late, and was very striking in a high necked, blue dress.

        "Well, your highness," Roy drawled, remaining seated. "What an unexpected pleasure. What brings you to the sheriff's office today?" Even Roy was taken aback by the nasty tone of his voice. Christ, he was becoming a mean drunk. Intellectually, he knew none of this was Pei Pei's fault. Unfortunately for her, she just happened to be the one present to be the beneficiary of his foul mood.

        Pei Pei displayed no visible reaction to his words. Impassively, she said, "I am looking for Chon Wang. He is expecting me."

        "Now, there's a surprise," Roy continued despite himself. "He's gone to the telegraph office. He should be back shortly."

        "Then I shall wait," she said, settling herself on a bench across the room and regarding Roy evenly.

        "Suit yourself," Roy grumbled. //Great, what am I going to do now with her sitting there staring at me?// Her steady gaze made him feel guilty and uncomfortable. Petulantly, he shoved the whiskey bottle back in a drawer and slammed it shut. He stood, grabbing his hat and jamming it on his head. "I have a few things to take care of. You're free to wait here, Princess." He didn't really have anywhere to go, but anything was better than staying here. He had his hand on the door handle when Pei Pei spoke.

        "I can understand why you would prefer to be angry at me rather than to accept responsibility for your own unhappiness. It must be easier for you this way."

        Roy stopped short, stunned. He turned slowly to face her. "I beg your pardon?"

        "You are upset because Chon is leaving. You have convinced yourself that it is because of me, when you know in your heart it is because of you," she said serenely.

        Roy couldn't believe his ears. Was this really the princess speaking to him this way? Prior to this, their only interaction had been mutual exchanges of pleasantries. Roy's surprise was being quickly replaced by outrage. "Thank you kindly for the benefit of your vast wisdom, but you don't know anything about it. Plus, you've got it all wrong -- and it's none of your business."

        "I am not trying to anger you, I only speak the truth. And, Wang is my business."

        //'Wang?' Since when in the hell does she call him 'Wang'?// "Yes, you've turned him into your lap dog, haven't you? And now he's following you to San Francisco."

        "That is not the way it is, Mr. O'Bannon, and you know it. He is desperately unhappy. You are clearly miserable. If you two can't see the obvious solution, then it is up to me to point it out to you."

        This was unbelievable. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? And, did she think he was a half-wit who couldn't figure this out for himself? "There is no 'obvious solution' for us, Princess, that's the damn problem," Roy shot back without thinking. His face reddened when he realized what he had tacitly admitted. Damn, he had to ease up on the whiskey.

        Pei Pei smiled beatifically. "Do you love him?"

        Roy could feel his jaw drop. Divine intervention in the form of Chon returning from the telegraph office prevented Roy from having to form a response. Chon greeted them both warily, sensing the highly charged atmosphere in the room. He looked from one to the other curiously. "Roy? Pei Pei? What is going on?"

        "Nothing, Chon," Roy replied a little too hastily. "I was just leaving." He strode out the door, banging it shut behind him. Once in the street, Roy stood still, breathing deeply. He was annoyed to realize that he was shaking. //What in the hell was that all about? I can't believe that Chon told her about us! Or, could she tell just by looking at us? Is it that obvious?// he panicked. Then, angrily, //What right of hers is it to give me advice, anyway? My life is just fine without her putting her two cents in.//

        Realizing that he was attracting attention by standing in the middle of the street, Roy made a decision. Crossing to the other side, he headed towards the saloon and the familiar comfort of a bottle of whiskey.



        The days passed quickly, and the eve of Chon's departure arrived sooner than Roy anticipated. The following morning, Chon and Pei Pei would take the early stage to Reno, where they would board the transcontinental line to San Francisco. Roy had discovered through a lifetime of experience that his best method of dealing with potentially unpleasant situations was through avoidance. To that end, he had left the office early without saying goodbye to Chon. Roy could not imagine any possible scenario in which their leave taking would not be painful and unbearable.

        Entering the saloon, Roy caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror behind the bar. For a second, he almost didn't recognize himself. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin pasty looking. Roy took cold comfort in the thought that he felt even worse than he looked. //My God, you're a sorry excuse for a man, O'Bannon// he told himself. //This is what you've come to, hiding from Chon in the saloon.// He wondered when he'd become this angry, bitter stranger that he despised.

        Grabbing a bottle and a glass from the bartender, Roy settled in at a corner table. He intended to drink himself senseless and when he awoke, Chon would be gone. Not a very admirable plan, but effective nonetheless.

        Surprisingly, the saloon was quiet and almost empty considering it was a Friday night. He must have a forbidding air about him, since the few patrons who were present were giving him a wide berth. Roy took another sip of his drink and stared unseeingly at the amber liquid, lost in thought. Distantly, he heard the saloon doors swing open, and then out of the corner of his eye saw someone slide into the empty chair next to him. He didn't have to look up to see who it was--his increased heart rate told him everything he needed to know.

        "Chon," he said tersely, still not looking up.

        "Evening, Roy." Chon waved the bartender over and asked for another glass. He then poured himself a generous portion from Roy's bottle.

        "Help yourself," Roy groused.

        Chon took a small sip and then stated quietly, "You were not going to say goodbye."

        Still staring at his glass as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world, Roy replied. "That was the idea, yes." He felt a cold anger build inside him. Why did Chon have to come here and make things harder?

        "I thought you were a better man than that."

        "Well, you were wrong then! About a lot of things, it seems," Roy snapped.

        "I am not wrong about you, Roy." His voice was low and warm, and Roy couldn't bear it.

        Heartsick, Roy started to get up to leave, but Chon put a hand on his arm to stay him. Roy felt the contact burn through him and pulled his arm away. But he sat back down.

        Silence. Roy's heart pounded, and he had to make a conscious effort to keep his hand from shaking as he reached for his glass again. Tension filled the space between them. Chon's nearness was as intoxicating as always. Roy felt conflicted, trapped--wanting to escape, but at the same time desperate to stay.

        Finally, he could stand it no longer. He turned at last to look at Chon. "Why did you come here?"

        Chon didn't answer. His eyes searched Roy's face. "You look awful."

        Roy laughed harshly. "Thank you very much, Chon. If that's what you came here to say, well you can leave now. Go off to San Francisco."

        "I will miss you, Roy."

        "You're the one who's leaving," Roy bit out.

        "This is why I must leave! You are so unhappy. I have done this. You drink too much, and it hurts me to look at you now."

        Roy was at a loss for words. This was too much, too painful. He needed to leave, to just get up and walk away from Chon, but he couldn't, knowing it would be for the last time. He returned to staring into his drink, trying to banish the pricking sensation in his eyes. The longing to touch Chon was almost a tangible thing. It was inconceivable that he would be able to survive without him, and yet he must.

        Chon continued. "I do not want to leave you, but I think it is the best thing to do. I will never forget you. You are a part of me, Roy, and I cannot help what I feel. I love you." Chon spoke the words aloud for the first time since that night in the cabin.

        God. A part of Roy had been expecting this, even hoping for it, but the reality was something entirely different. //Why did he have to come here, why did he have to say that to me, and look at me that way, and make me want him so damn much?// Roy closed his eyes. "Chon, don't. Just . . . don't. Don't say anything else. You shouldn't have come here. You should have just left things the way they were."

        "I am trying to understand why you do this. I thought at first, you do not feel the same way. Now I know that is not the problem."

        "It doesn't matter what I feel!" Roy hissed, glancing around to make sure they were not attracting any attention. To his relief, they were unobserved. Keeping his voice low, he continued. "The problem is me, Chon. I'm a coward. I'm not brave enough to change my life for you. That's the truth of it. If you do l-- care about me that way," Roy said, unable to say the word aloud, "I'd urge you to get over it. You'd be wasting yourself on me. I'm not worth it."

        "Do not talk about yourself that way! You are not what you say. I know the man you truly are. That man I shall always love."

        Every word burned into Roy like acid until he could hear no more. He stood. "This is pointless. You've said enough -- I don't want to argue with you. You shouldn't have come here. Goodnight, Chon." Roy turned and left the saloon without a second glance, every step that took him farther away from Chon an effort. Once out the door, he let out a shaky breath. //Steady, Roy.//

        He had planned to sleep in his office that night rather than return to his house on the edge of town. He had figured it would be one more way to avoid having to see Chon. Even though that was no longer an issue, he still headed blindly in that direction. He was half amazed his legs would even carry him. He felt overwhelmed by sorrow and self-loathing.

        Reaching the sheriff's office, Roy unlocked the door and went inside. Just before the door closed behind him, a silent figure slipped through. Roy looked up -- it was Chon, his eyes so dark, so full of everything that was between them. Before Roy could speak, before he could breathe, Chon was pressed up against him, and then, //Oh God,// he was kissing him.

        By instinct Roy's arms came up, pulling Chon closer to him, kissing him hungrily. He kissed him with all the longing he'd denied for the past four months. His blood pounded in his ears, and he tightened his arms, crushing Chon's mouth with painful need. Having Chon in his arms again was heaven and hell all at once, and he knew he must stop this now before his own desperate desire overwhelmed what remained of his resolve. Breathless, he broke the kiss.

        Against his lips, Chon breathed "I love you, Roy."

        Roy turned his head away and released him. "Chon, stop. I can't. I don't want this." His voice sounded strained, even to his own ears.

        Chon stepped back, his hands falling away from Roy's shoulders. Roy had to stop himself from reaching out for him. Chon's eyes burned into him. "All right, Roy. I do not believe you, but I will respect your wishes. The stage leaves tomorrow morning. You must decide."

        With a strength he hadn't known he'd possessed, Roy walked around Chon to open the office door. He stopped, his back to the other man. "It's no good, Chon," he said quietly. His breathing was ragged, and his throat burned with unshed tears.

        Wordlessly, Chon stepped out the door and pulled it shut behind him.



        Hours later, Roy lay on the bunk in the jail cell behind his office, no closer to sleep that he'd been after Chon had left. Unfortunately, he was also sober. A storm was brewing; he listened to the rain as his mind went a million directions at once. Still shaken, he stared blankly into the darkness. Roy raised his hand and brushed his fingertips over his lips, wonderingly. After all those months, Chon's kiss was just as fiery and addictive. Nothing had changed; he would never be free of Chon. Did he even want to be?

        //If I can just make it through this night, once he's gone I'll be fine,// Roy told himself. //I can get over this.// Yet, in his mind's eye, he could see the look in Chon's eyes before he'd kissed him. Instead of the chill breeze of the approaching storm seeping through the window, he could feel the warm brush of Chon's hand against his flushed skin. Roy uncurled his fist, revealing the gold piece Chon had given him as a memento of their adventure that he'd been clutching like a talisman.

        //Fool! Coward!// his mind hissed at him. //You are the only one standing in the way of your own happiness.//

        Time crept by. Too much time for Roy to think. Too much time for him to constantly have to remind himself why he was doing this. The trouble was, the more he reminded himself, the less valid the reasons seemed. Would this night never end?

        //It's crazy, us being together--it wouldn't work. I can't do this,// he repeated over and over like a mantra. However, all he could see were the endless, empty years ahead of him without Chon in his life. He kept coming back to one truth: he loved Chon. He never dreamed he could love another person so much. And incredibly, Chon felt the same way about him. Chon believed in him, and made Roy wish he could be the man Chon thought he was.

        'You are a part of me . . . I love you.' Roy heard Chon's words in his head as clearly as if he were in the room with him. He stood hastily, running a hand through his hair.

        Entering his office, he yanked open the drawer to his desk where he kept his bottle of whiskey. He uncorked it and raised it to his lips, only to stop before he took a drink. He couldn't hide inside a bottle forever.

        "Shit!" he yelled, throwing the bottle against the wall so it shattered. Lightning split the sky and thunder crashed. The electricity in the air raised the hair on his arms. The wind began to howl as Roy paced the room. His temples throbbed and his heart beat wildly in his chest.

        'You must decide,' Chon had said.

        He must decide. Roy looked inside his heart and knew he already had his answer, for the answer to all his questions was Chon. They were so different, but so right together. Chon knew him like no other person on this earth. He'd seen Roy at his best and at his worst, and through it all he'd offered nothing less than his love and acceptance. Surely that was worth fighting for. He wanted Chon. He loved him.

        Being together would not be easy, but to give up this chance to be happy with the one person he valued most in his life would be beyond foolishness. If his idea of happiness didn't fit in with the rest of the world's, well then the hell with them. What did he care for other people's opinions? He'd never been respectable before. Besides, the West was wide open. If they couldn't stay and make a life here, there were a hundred other places they could go. They would find a way. That is, if Roy wasn't too late.

        "The hell with this," Roy told the empty room. Without a second thought, he flung open the door and ran out into the storm.

        In his haste, he'd forgotten his hat and coat. Roy hardly noticed the driving rain that quickly soaked him to the skin as he ran down the wooden planks of the sidewalk to the livery.

        Roy burst into the stables, startling awake Zeke, the night attendant. "Don't mind me, Zeke. I'm just fetching my horse."

        "You're fixin' to go out in this storm? What is it sheriff? Bandits?"

        Roy was already halfway through saddling his horse Joe. "Nothing for you to worry about. Just go back to sleep."

        "I wasn't sleepin'!" Zeke sputtered indignantly as Roy led his horse out into the storm. Mounting up, he spurred Joe in the direction of the railroad camp. Half blinded by the driving rain, he relied on Joe to get them safely to their destination. Roy was soaked to the bone, but he was so exhilarated it didn't matter. His heart raced, and he wanted to laugh out loud with elation. He leaned over Joe's neck, urging him on, his whole body singing with his impatience to reach Chon. The burden of guilt and self-loathing he'd been carrying for months was swept away, and in its place came anticipation, joy, and love.

        "Yeehaw!" he yelled into the wind as he rode. The thunder echoed in response.

        Unerringly, Joe brought Roy to Chon's small house near the railroad camp. Roy wanted to fling himself off his horse and race to the door, but forced himself to patiently lead his horse to the barn, unsaddle him, and leave him in the stall next to Fido.

        Back outside, the rain was tapering off. The storm was passing, and Roy could see the sky lightening in the distance with the approaching dawn.

        He walked up to the front of the house on shaky legs. Now that the moment was actually here, he almost hesitated. Taking a deep breath, Roy knocked on the door.

        He waited. After a minute, he knocked again. Nothing. He pressed his ear to the door, but didn't hear anything. Roy began to worry. What if he wasn't here? What if he'd left already? He pounded on the door, raising his voice to be heard over the rain. "Chon, it's Roy. Let me in."

        A few seconds later, the door was flung open to reveal Chon, his hair loose, wearing only black sleeping pants. Chon blinked at him, his sleepiness vanishing to be replaced by a tentative look of wonder. "Roy?" he questioned softly.

        At the sight of Chon, any remaining doubts were swept away. Roy couldn't contain the smile of pure happiness that stole across his face. "Well, are you going to let me in? In case you hadn't noticed, it's raining out here."

        An answering smile began in Chon's eyes. He reached out and grasped Roy's wrist, pulling him inside. "Get in here," he answered with mock-severity, closing the door behind him. "Roy, you're soaking wet! Are you crazy to be out in this storm?"

        All Roy could do was grin wildly as he dripped on Chon's floor, shivering. "Yes, I'm crazy. I must be -- riding through weather like this."

        "Why?" Chon asked quietly.

        Roy's grin faded. "To get to you. Chon, I had to . . . I want . . . " Roy trailed off, suddenly unsure. For the second time in as many weeks, he was speechless.

        Chon stepped forward, enfolding Roy in his warm embrace, uncaring of his wet clothes. One hand brushed Roy's dripping hair out of his eyes as he reached up to press a kiss on Roy's forehead. "You don't have to explain, Roy." He kissed him again, making Roy shiver anew, this time not from the cold. "You are here. That is enough."

        "It's not enough." Roy closed his eyes, leaning into Chon's warmth and love. He would never withhold himself from Chon again in any way. "I love you." His heart was full, and he could feel tears mix with the rainwater on his face as he returned Chon's embrace. "I love you, Chon."

        As crazy as it might have seemed, even though they came from opposite sides of the earth they had been meant to find each other. It was a miracle, Roy mused. It was destiny, and who was he to fight destiny? For the first time in his life, everything made sense. He was with Chon. He was home.

        (End)



        (This was how I was going to end the series. However, after everything that I've put Chon and Roy through, I decided that it was only fair to let them have some fun. So, I'm working on the "smutty epilogue" to the series, coming soon!)



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